The Character Corner

Purposeful Parenting. Building Godly Character.

Solving Sibling Squabbles: Dealing With The Heart Issue

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One of the greatest sources of frustration for parents is sibling squabbles.

Kids argue and are mean to each other.

They irritate each other and enjoy aggravating each other.

As parents, we can often feel overwhelmed by the continual teasing, put-downs, bickering, tattling, meanness, and on and on.

How do you stop siblings from squabbling?

Sometimes our home seems more like a battlefield. As a busy mom, it’s easy to get frustrated, and wonder why in the world they can’t just treat each other right, and get along with each other!

Why do siblings squabble?

The truth is that this behavior is a natural thing because of their sinful nature, but it isn’t something we should allow. It’s something that we need to stay on top of and deal with EVERY time. It is our job as parents to train and teach them to control their selfish nature.

Rather than putting themselves first, we need to teach our kids the Bible principle of putting others before self. The Bible tells us that the 2nd greatest command is to love our neighbor as our self. Loving others doesn’t come naturally, but God says it’s VERY important! (Check out I John 4:20, 21)

The next time your kids are fighting or having a conflict, remember this:

Conflict with brothers and sisters is a child’s first class in relationships. Your home is the classroom, you are the teacher, and honor is the curriculum. Each conflict situation becomes an opportunity for teaching children how to get along. Addressing sibling conflict isn’t easy, but the work you do now will not only make family life more peaceful, it will help your children develop adult skills that will assist them for the rest of their lives. ~Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, & Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids by Turansky & Miller

I know how frustrating the sibling conflicts can be, from dealing with our 8 kids over the years. However, I love the idea that those conflicts are an opportunity for us to teach them.

How do you deal with sibling squabbles and have a calmer, easier, and happier home?

What do you do when your kids are arguing and fighting? How do you handle it? Probably the most common response is to ask “Who started it?” or “Who had it first?”

However, those are the wrong questions! When there is conflict, both of the kids have heart issues. Rather than trying to determine who is “to blame”, we need to determine what is in their heart that’s causing that behavior. 

There are 5 common issues of the heart that lead to squabbles:

1. Anger (Proverbs 29:22 – An angry man stirs up strife.)

  • Teach them how to control their spirit and responses. The anger itself isn’t sin, it’s what they do with it.

    Be ye angry and sin not.

  • Teach them how to give a soft answer, and how to forgive. (Proverbs 15:1, Ephesians 4:32)
  • Show them how anger hurts them. (Proverbs 27:3)

2. Pride (Proverbs 13:10  Only by pride comes contention)

  • Point them to Scripture and show them how pride brings destruction.
  • Teach them that God resists the proud. (James 4:6)

3. Tattling (James 4:11  Speak evil of no man.)

  • Teach them how to handle the problem; no tattling rule
  • Make it better for them to solve it themselves
  • Refuse to listen to an evil report

4. Scorning (Proverbs 22:10  Cast out the scorner and contention will cease.)

  • A scorner is the one who puts the other one down verbally
  • Teach them how to build up and encourage each other
  • Teach honor versus scorning

5. Contentiousness (Proverbs 26:21  As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to kindle strife.)

  • The contentiousness person is the one with an argumentative spirit, who has to get the last word in.
  • Teach them how to be a peacemaker
  • Teach them not to be easily offended

God created the family as a place for us to learn and grow. As a parent, you have the opportunity in your home to teach your children how to treat others with kindness, and how to handle conflict in a Biblical way.

How to Stop Sibling Fighting

Don’t give in to frustration when there is sibling conflict. Seize that opportunity to address the heart issue going on, and do some teaching and training from God’s Word. Dealing with sibling squabbles isn’t fun or easy, but the more work you do now to train them and help them in this area, the more peaceful your family life will be. It will also help your children develop peacemaking skills that will be helpful to them as adults, for the rest of their lives.

For more in-depth teaching, additional tips, and practical ways to deal with sibling squabbles Biblically, check out my ebook: Sibling Squabbles

Tips for dealing with sibling squabbles

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How Can I Help Build Character In My High Schooler?

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Everyone knows that character development is an essential part of home education. That’s why so many parents search for character building curriculum for their high school students. Your teen is unique, and so their character education should be too! We want to share with you the very best curriculum—one you design yourself. 

How Can I Help Build Character In My High Schooler?

building plans for character building

Character Building Curriculum for High School

Let’s begin by defining character-building and considering a couple of definitions. 

The dictionary defines character as the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual; strength and originality in a person’s nature. It comes from the Greek word, kharaktēr, which was a stamping tool used to give something a distinctive mark. 

Building means the process of constructing, shaping, developing, or forming a particular thing. 

When we put those definitions together, character building is about the process of constructing, shaping, developing, and forming the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.

As a parent, you have to think of yourself as the contractor in the character-building process. You look for people and resources, you lay out the plans, and make sure that the workers follow through. But you’re not the one who does the actual work of building. 

Ultimately it’s your teens’ responsibility to cultivate that character in their own lives. We cannot do it for them. 

Ann Frank puts it this way, “I understand more and more how true Daddy’s words were when he said: ‘All children must look after their own upbringing.’ Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.”

So plan. Create a blueprint. Be intentional. But most of all pray for your teens through the process that they would desire to grow in Christlikeness—where character is ultimately found.

Designing a Character Building Curriculum for Your High Schooler

1. Tour Model Homes

If you’ve ever considered building your own home, remodeling it, or redecorating it even, you may have started by touring some model homes. Model homes help us to see the possibilities and give us a pattern to follow. In the character-building process, consider the models your teens have access to:

  • You, their parents. Your teens are watching you. When you exemplify the character qualities you desire to see in their lives, they will learn more by your actions than simply your words. 
  • Mentors. Mentors can be people your teens know—such as grandparents, bosses, spiritual leaders at church—or people they don’t such as those they encounter through books and other media.
  • People from the Bible. There’s no better book for teaching character through the real lives of people. The Bible doesn’t sugarcoat the sinful nature of man or hide their imperfections (just think about the story of David!). Instead, it reveals God’s grace in growing people to live righteously.
  • Stories of historical figures. As your teens study history, help them to really think about how different people throughout history have displayed both poor and desirable character traits. What consequences did the actions of these people have?
  • Biographies of missionaries. Men and women who have chosen to bring the gospel throughout the world often show a strength of character that can inspire our teens to do the same. 

2. Lay a Solid Character Foundation

God’s Word is the solid foundation your teens will need if they want to build godly character in their lives. 

John 15:4–5 says, “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.” (KJV)

And who produces the fruit? In Galatians 5:22–23 we learn, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.” All of these character traits are the fruit of the Spirit, and cannot be produced without Him. (KJV)

This is why character formation begins with the Bible. We know that “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness: That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.” (2 Timothy 3:16–27, KJV)

3. Build the Character Framework 

Once you’ve laid a strong foundation, then you can build on it. This is the point to add in other resources such as biographies, literature, non-fiction, or any other resources that will help your students understand the character trait you are focusing on. This might even mean setting up a time for your teen to meet regularly with a mentor of some sort.

4. Don’t Forget the Wiring

God empowers our children though his unique wiring of them. He created them all with a different mixture of personalities, gifts, talents, interests, skills, and more. 

Thinking about our building metaphor, we know that before the sheetrock is put in and all of the finishes, the wiring must be installed. It runs throughout the frame of the house. 

What does this have to do with character-building? The character trait you’ve focused on will be manifested in a way that is often distinctive to your teen—in a way that is in keeping with his or her bent.

These versions of the Amplified Bible put it so well: 

“Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

—Proverbs 22:6 (Amplified, Classic)

“Train up a child in the way he should go [teaching him to seek God’s wisdom and will for his abilities and talents], Even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Amplified)

5. Create the Blueprint

Once you’ve thought through these steps, create a blueprint—a plan—to help your teen develop desirable character traits in his or her life.

Begin by thinking through what character traits you and your teens might want to focus on. Choose only one trait per six weeks. (You’ll find a list of  84 possible traits, as well as a place to write down each trait you pick along with its definition for the school year in our High School Character Building Workbook, shown below.)

You can use a variety of activities to help cultivate character in your teens from copywork and journaling to serving in the community. These should be activities that help you students learn and apply all they are learning.

Get the High School Character Building Workbook!

We’ve created a resource to help you with each step of creating your own high school character curriculum. It includes these steps, worksheets, character traits to consider, an activities list, and more. 

Your high schooler’s character-building curriculum should be as unique as they are! We would love to help.

Get the details of the High School Character Building Workbook Now!

preview of the high school character building workbook

 

How to Pray Biblical Blessings For Your Child: 14 Day Challenge

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Words are powerful. But the most powerful words are God’s words.

As parents, we know the words we use in our child’s life have the power either to bless or curse. We also know we need to be intentional with those words and pray for our children in the battles they face daily.

Praying Biblical blessings for your children is an effective way to bring God’s blessings into their lives, and see His power work in their hearts.

How to Pray Biblical Blessings For Your Child: 14 Day Challenge

young girl praying biblical blessings black and white photo

As parents we not only have the right but also the privilege, to pray for and bless our children.

By speaking prayers of blessing over them, we are claiming God’s favor in their lives, as well as claiming the promises of His Word for them.

To bless someone actually means “to speak well of.”

Praying Biblical blessings for your children is simply using your God-given authority to verbally affirm Scripture truths and promises into your children while also claiming those truths for them. A blessing is a prayer asking for God’s favor and protection. It is a declaration of God’s truth over your child’s life. 

young child bowing head to pray biblical blessings

An easy way of blessing your children is simply speaking God’s Word over them daily. In a Biblical blessing, you combine powerful words with Scriptural prayers.

To do this, find a Scripture that reflects your dreams and desires for them, or one which claims a Scripture truth for them. Pray it for them or speak it aloud over them.

This would a great idea for praying with your children at bedtime. They would go to sleep with those words of blessing in their minds.

Here are a couple of examples  to demonstrate how simple it is to pray Biblical blessings for your children:

May you love mercy and act justly in all that you do, and humbly walk with your God. Micah 6:8

God has raised you up in righteousness, and will direct all your ways. Isaiah 45:13

 Can you see how powerful it is to pray these blessings over your children?  You are sure to see God work in a mighty way when you begin blessing your children with Scriptural words and prayers. 

Still wondering how to actually do this? Let me show you!

Join me for a free 14-day Challenge: How to Pray Biblical Blessings For Your Child and Make Sure to Enter the Giveaways From Our Sponsors at the Bottom of this Post!

 For 14 days you will receive an email with:

  • A short Biblical blessing to pray over your children
  • A Scripture that goes along with it

But you don’t have to stop there Mom! You can GO DEEPER in Praying Biblical Blessings For Your Children!

In my previous prayer challenges, many of you requested an actual journal to use during the challenge. 

Well, I have great news! The Praying Biblical Blessings For Your Children  is a companion journal for the Praying Biblical Blessings Challenge and offers 35 days of prayers to bless your children, along with a journal page for each day. (The first 14 blessings are what you get in the email series.)

Each day of the journal includes:

  • A Scriptural blessing/prayer
  • Daily Scripture to read and write
  • Space to write the blessing you are claiming
  • Space to write your own personalized blessing
  • Space to write answered prayer/note of gratitude

Yes, this 14-day prayer challenge is 100% FREE to join. But if you want to go deeper, you’ll have to grab your copy of The Praying Biblical Blessings For Your Children journal here.

And, while this is optional, we’ve come up with a special offer just for challenge participants! We know you’re going to want to grab your copy like so many others AND we are including a bonus pack of 35 Biblical Blessing Scripture Cards For Children to give to your kids as you go through the journal! (Value $6.97 ) Make it a special time in your homeschool day or add to your morning basket, include them in the journey! Praying Biblical Blessings For Your Children

What a great way to encourage your children, and watch God work in their hearts and lives, as you claim the promises in His Word for them. Anytime you invest in your children spiritually using Scripture, you will see changes!

I can’t wait to see what God is going to do not only in the lives of our children but in our own lives as well, as we go through this challenge together. 

Don’t forget to take advantage of the low price bundle offer of $9.97 now! You won’t regret it. Join me in partnering with the Lord while praying these Biblical Blessings over your child and watch Him work!

Biblical blessing Scripture cards

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praying Biblical blessings for your children

6 Reasons You Are Frustrated as a Homeschool Mom

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30 Days of Homeschool Encouragement and Inspiration

Are you a frustrated homeschool mom?

It is normal for all of us to have times of frustration; however, it shouldn’t be a constant thing. God meant for our children to be a blessing and a joy to us, not a burden that stresses us.

If I am constantly a frustrated homeschool mom, I am not going to enjoy homeschooling my kids, or being with them.

Therefore, when I find myself feeling this way, I try to identify the cause. Once I know what is causing it, I am able to work on a solution that will take away that frustration.

Here are 6 Reasons You Are Frustrated as a Homeschool Mom

frustrated homeschool mom is talking to daughter

1. Lack of Parental Control

If your children haven’t learned to obey you and are out of control, you will be constantly frustrated. Trying to teach them anything academically will be very stressful.

Every day you will fight the battle of their will.

Your children need to learn to listen and obey the first time they are told, without question. If you need to, take a short break from the academics and work on obedience.

You can’t teach a child who won’t listen or obey.

Be consistent in requiring obedience, and don’t get frustrated when you have to stop and train them in this area. Don’t let it upset you, but rather remind them what obedience is and practice the right response.

Discipline and training are not interruptions in your day but are opportunities to take them to God’s Word, and show them what HE says about it.

One of the reasons we home school our children is so we can daily work on their attitudes, and train them in Godly behavior. It’s more important than getting all the academics done for the day.

If they get all their school work done, but have had a disobedient attitude the whole time, it really doesn’t mean much. I’d rather they finish only half of their lessons with a good attitude!

RELATED:  KEEPING SCHOOL IN ITS PROPER PLACE

homeschool wisdom

2. Lack of Character in Kids

If my kids are weak in certain areas of character, it can make things much more stressful.

For example, if I am trying to teach them, and they haven’t learned to be attentive, it is very frustrating to me.  I can’ teach them anything if they aren’t paying attention.

If they haven’t learned to be diligent, getting academics done daily can become a source of frustration.

Making it a top priority to work on character training and development when the kids are young, will reap great results and make the later years much easier.

I believe the harder you work on teaching and training your children when they are little, the easier your job will be later.

3. Arguing and Sibling Squabbles

This is probably one of the things that frustrate me the most! It can be overwhelming when the kids are continually teasing, tattling, bossing, putting each other down, etc.

However, as I have told my children often, God put each of them in our family with their unique personalities, to help each of us learn and grow.

There are daily opportunities to learn to treat each other kindly, respond properly to irritations, practice self-control, and be a peacemaker.

Dealing with sibling rivalry and conflicts isn’t always easy, but it will make your home much more peaceful, and help your kids develop skills that will be valuable when they become adults.

4. Unrealistic Expectations

Sometimes we put a lot of unnecessary pressure on ourselves and expect more than what is truly realistic. This often stems from comparison.

Don’t allow yourself to compare what you are doing to what someone else is doing. You and God know the situation you are in with your family.

Ask His wisdom on teaching and training your kids, and get His direction on what matters. Realize you can’t do it all, so you need His direction.

It’s also common to get frustrated because we are unrealistic in what we expect from our kids.  It’s important to remember that each of them are different, and has different learning styles and abilities.

If one takes longer to read or learn their math facts than another, it’s okay. Be realistic in your expectations with each child, and it will save you from a lot of frustration.

5. Disorganization

Being organized and orderly is important to God. (“Let all things be done decently and in order.” I Corinthians 14:40)

There’s nothing more frustrating as a homeschool mom than starting your day off looking for school books, paper, or pencils.

Having your kids running around doing their own thing because there is no structure, will add to the confusion.

It is well worth it for you to set aside a block of time to organize your time, and make a weekly schedule for everyone to follow, that includes household management.

Getting organized will make a huge difference in your productivity each day.

Keep in mind that a schedule is a tool and not your master. It’s a way to incorporate your priorities and goals into each day, and accomplish the things that matter.

I would suggest not worrying about exact times, so much as a routine to follow each day. Allow for flexibility as needed.

6. Over Commitment

Life is busy, and we all face the challenge of having to choose which things to say yes to, and saying no to a lot more things than we say yes to. We can’t do it all.

Busyness is a homeschool mom’s greatest enemy!

When I get too busy, it crowds out my relationship with the Lord, and with others. When our days are full of activities, it stresses each member of the family.

Being too busy also increases our physical fatigue, and often our health suffers.

The answer lies in making wise choices.

Go to the Lord and ask Him for His wisdom and guidance as to what HE wants for your family, and how He wants you to use your time, and spend your days.

Seek Him when deciding what activities to be involved in. Go to God and seek His priorities daily.

Homeschooling may not always be easy, and there will be times you are frustrated as a homeschool mom. You are not alone.

Stay encouraged and excited about the eternal value of the job God has trusted you with as you raise those blessings for Him!

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Why you may be frustrated as a homeschool mom!

5 Simple Ways To Be A Godly Mother

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As a Christian mom, it is so important that you strive to be Godly.  Drawing closer to God should be one of your highest priorities because as you draw closer to Him, you will then find it easier to lead your children to Him. The truth is they are watching us, so it’s important that we know how to be a Godly mother.

Our children are a blessing from God, and with that blessing comes a stewardship responsibility. God has entrusted us with His children, and we need His wisdom and help to do that job well.

Being a Godly mother doesn’t have to be hard, but as in anything else in life that is important, we have to be purposeful.

Here are 5 Simple Ways To Be A Godly Mother

godly mother on couch smiling

1. Spend time with God every day.

Being a Godly mother means spending time with Christ every day. We have to make it a priority to read His Word daily and let it speak to our hearts. We need His wisdom to guide us through our days.

If this means waking up a little early to have your morning coffee with the Lord, then that’s what needs to happen. If it’s hard to get up early because you’re up at night with a baby, it’s okay. Set an appointment to meet with God later in the day, and keep it!

As a Godly mother, you should share with your children what God shows you from His Word, and get excited about it. That excitement will create excitement in them for God’s Word.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink —- but you can salt his oats!

It’s the same way with our kids. We can “salt their oats” giving them a thirst for God’s Word, by letting them see that we value His Word and that God speaks to us and guides us when we take the time to read it.

 A mother who is close to God will bring her children close to God as well.

If you struggle to spend time with God, my course SEEKING HIM:  Moms In the WORD will give you some practical simple steps you can take to be consistent in spending time in the Word and prayer daily. 

What are the qualities of a godly mother?

2. Teach your children to love the Lord.

Start when they are young telling them how special they are to God, and how God created them and loves them. Tell them how great God is, as you talk about the beauty of His creation. When God answers a prayer, tell them about how good He is and how He has provided.

For example, with my three-year-old granddaughter I will say things like:

  • Who gave you those pretty blue eyes?  (When she says “God did,” I respond with “Yes, He did, and He loves you SO much.)
  • Look at those pretty flowers! Who made those flowers?

Sing songs with them like “Jesus Love Me”, and Jesus Loves The Little Children.”

Talk to them about God all through the day as situations arise that made it natural. They will soon recognize that God is great, and God loves them.

Being as kids are loving, they will soon begin to develop a love for God.

Share with them how much you love God and want to please Him.

They should see by your daily life that you have a heart for God and doing what He says is right. As they see your love for Him, they will naturally begin to love Him because of your love for Him. 

You can’t force your kids to love God, but usually, our kids love the people that we love. They hear how we talk about them, how we enjoy them, and how we relate to and with them.

Kids don’t miss much, and they will know if you are just talking when you say you love the Lord, or if you really do love Him.

What does the Bible say about being a good mother?

3. Lead by example.

If you want your children to love God, you have to show them how much you love the Lord too!

When they see you reading your Bible daily, praying about your struggles or their needs, and trusting Him they will see that you have a real relationship with Him.

When you take time to show them Bible answers to their needs or struggles, you are showing them to seek God’s help through His Word.

Your children are always watching your every move. Why not show them the love and strength of our Savior while leading by example?

What does a godly woman mean?

4. Surround yourself with Christian friends.

If you want to be a Godly mother, you have to surround yourself with Christian friends. Other godly women who will encourage you when you face discouragement, or when you wonder if your parenting is really worth it.

Having good Christian friends usually means that your children will have playmates that are being raised to love God also.

When our kids were all younger, I was very good friends with a godly woman who was a mom from our church. Her kids were about the same ages as mine, and they were also homeschooled. The kids loved playing together, while I enjoyed chatting with my friend.

I remember times when I was discouraged, and it seemed like it wasn’t doing much good to teach my kids Bible verses, character lessons, etc.

When I mentioned that to my friend, she reminded me “Kathie, you know where those thoughts are coming from! The devil wants you to be discouraged, and quit doing those things that are so important.”

That was just what I needed, and a great reminder of the need to be surrounded by good godly women while we are on our parenting journey!

5. Be active in church.

Since being a Godly mother means leading by example, going to church is the perfect way to show your kids your love of the Lord!

Being an active church member not only means you’re doing the work of God, but you’re also teaching your children that God’s work is important. When your kids see you working hard and loving the Lord, they will want to serve too.

I will say that you need to stay balanced, and if you are at a very busy season as a mom, make sure you don’t get so involved in church ministry that you neglect your children, your homeschooling, or the care of your home.

It isn’t hard to be a Godly mother.

You just have to love the Lord with all of your being, and keep His Words in your heart and mind. As a result, you will talk about it all the time – it will just be a natural thing, like how you talk about something you are excited about.

According to Deuteronomy 6:7 when we keep His Word on our heart, we will talk about it all the time — when we are walking, sitting down, lying down, getting up —  in other words ALL THE TIME.

There is no greater way to be a Godly mother!

If you want to be more intentional as a mom, join me for a FREE 5-day email series: 

Yes, I want to be an intentional mom!

7 Tips For Parenting a Strong-Willed Child

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The strong-willed child is definitely challenging with his persistence, energy, and determination. As a result, when parenting a strong-willed child it’s easy to look at their strong will as a bad thing.

In reality, though, kids who are strong-willed become great teens, young adults, and leaders if we steer them right.

How do we parent a strong-willed child in a positive way, to bring out the positive and good in them?

a young boy Strong-Willed Child

7 Need to Know Tips For Parenting a Strong-Willed Child

1. Give your strong-willed child choices when possible.

Giving orders to them often opens the door for argument and conflict. However, when you offer a choice they are more likely to be cooperative, as they had some say in the matter.

If doing something is non-negotiable, a good way to handle it is:  “Do you want to do your chores now, or do you want to wait till after our snack?” 

They still have to do it, but get a choice as to when.

2. Remember the good things about them.

The description “strong-willed child” usually has a negative connotation,  but it’s NOT a negative thing!

A strong-will is a positive trait that requires parents to guide and channel in the right direction.

Strong-willed children are usually self-motivated and focused. They go after what they want and don’t let peer pressure sway them.

These are traits that make great leaders!

3. Have consistent rules and routines for a child who is strong-willed.

A strong-willed child needs parents that are strong-willed, and who will enforce the rules and routines. They need to know that if the rule is NO about something, that’s not going to change by them pushing and begging.

Have specific limits and rules, that always have a consistent response.

If you are consistent with the rules and routines with all the kids in the family, the strong-willed child will quickly realize that you aren’t picking on them.

For example,  rather than telling them to hurry and get ready for bed, calmly remind them “The rule is to be in your bed by 8:30. If you hurry, we’ll have time to read a book!” 

This puts the ball in their court.

4. Don’t allow yourself to react to their behavior while forgetting to focus on their heart.

It is easy to get frustrated with the way they push the limits and try to get their way. Rather than focusing on those behaviors, try to see what is going on in their heart that you need to deal with.

Molding their heart should be our focus, rather than changing their behavior.

building a strong foundation while parenting strong willed child

5. Realize that sometimes “winning the battle” with them, means you lose their heart.

If “winning” is going to cost you the relationship, take a break and tell the child that you will talk about it later.

Refuse to let them engage you in argument and anger, by walking away and saying “I need to think some more about this. We will discuss it tomorrow.” 

Sometimes we choose battles that aren’t important enough, and then we don’t want to back down. 

Be wise, and re-consider.

If you still feel you need to stand strong, approach it with a kind heart and explain, “As your parent, I love you and want what is best for you. I don’t feel this is something I can allow, even though I know you really want to do it. I know you are disappointed, and I understand that. How about if we choose a special activity in place of that – what would you like to do?”

This shows them that you care about them, and their emotions. It also shows that you respect their feelings. and will help you to win their heart!

6. Pray for wisdom!

None of us can be perfect parents, and with the strong-willed child, we ARE going to make mistakes.

However, we CAN be praying parents, and that is the source of our power! Don’t try to do it in your own strength or wisdom, but go to God daily and seek His help. (Prayer – It Makes a Difference!)

7. Tell them “I love you!” often!

Because you will tend to have frequent confrontations with the strong-willed child, it’s important to make a habit of frequently telling them that you love them. 

Don’t assume that they know that – they need to hear it! 

Being confident of your love for them helps them to trust you have their best interest at heart when there is a difference of opinion or conflict.

When they are being stubborn, it is a good time to remind them that you love them just the way they are, and how glad you are God gave them to you.

Hang in there on the tough days, Mom! God gave you that strong-willed child, and He will give you the strength and wisdom you need.

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Character Training – Where Do I Start?!

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One of the questions that many parents have asked me is, “How do you start a character education?” and from that “How do I know what character trait to start with?”

Perhaps you have looked at our 48 Godly Character Traits chart, and wondered the same thing!

If you want to know how you build character, my suggestion is simple. Start to think about what is frustrating you in your child’s behavior. Usually, that goes back to a flaw in their character.

Character Training – Where Do I Start?!

Toddle girl starting character training

For example, maybe you get frustrated daily because you have to tell your child what to do 3 or 4 times before they do it. Start working on helping them to develop the trait of obedience. 

Perhaps they tend to lose their school books, pens, papers, etc. Start working on orderliness.

Rather than be frustrated by the behaviors, go to the source of the problem. That character trait is where to start doing some training to help them make changes in that area.

There are many character traits we need to teach our children, and the order really isn’t that important.

However, you don’t want to just plan to start on character in general, or you probably won’t really be effective in teaching any of the traits very thoroughly.

How do you develop a strong character?

The most important thing is that you pick one specific character trait to focus on, choose your resources, and get started!

Once you have chosen the trait that needs work, focus there for a week or two, or longer if needed.

The goal of this focus is to give your kids an understanding of what this character trait means, and then to study it in more detail. Make sure your daily lessons include how they can practically apply it to their lives.

Stay with it until you think your kids understand it and are trying to apply it to their lives.

How do you teach a child character?

Look up Bible stories that show someone who is a positive example of that character trait, and what the results are because of that.

For example, if you are focusing on obedience, you could talk about how Abraham responded when God told him to sacrifice his son. Did he obey? Did he question God? Did he wait to do what God told him to?

Also, look for negative examples – like someone who didn’t obey God, and what the consequences of their disobedience were.

Tell personal stories that relate. Kids love it when you tell personal stories! 

If you are teaching them the character trait of truthfulness, perhaps tell about a time when you weren’t honest, and the trouble it brought.

Let them see the positive reasons to grow in the character trait and the positive results that come from it.

How do you teach character building?

Make it personal. Talk about something specific in your family that relates to applying the character trait. 

For example, if you are focusing on initiative, you might encourage them to look for things that need to be done, and see what they can do without being asked.

Give them Bible verses that relate to it, and have them memorize one or two of them.

We want God’s Word to be in their hearts and minds, and we want them to know that everything we focus on is important because GOD says it is, not just because WE think it is.

Pray with them daily about applying that character trait to their life, and growing in that area. 

Remember to ask them about their progress or struggles, then pray with them for continued help and growth.

Most importantly, when starting character training, find an easy and fun character building curriculum!

Still not sure? I have created this curriculum that will allow you to teach Godly character in just 10-15 mins a day!

And just a side note mom, don’t forget the power of your example!

Your example will influence your child’s character more than your teaching. Actions speak louder than words!

Grab our free ebook!

Character traiining

 

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10 Crucial Tips for First Time Obedience

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Are you looking for tips for teaching first-time obedience to your children, or restoring obedience after realizing that you haven’t been requiring it as you should?

I shared this quote on my Facebook page recently, regarding the importance of obedience:

The best curriculum won’t work with a child who has not been trained in the habit of obedience. Your child must learn to obey or you can never serve as his teacher!

Several of my readers then messaged me asking me if I could give some specific ideas to help them, as they were having trouble getting their children to obey.

Those requests inspired me to write this post for those times when you are struggling as a parent to teach your child to obey or get them back in the habit when you have let obedience slide.

Learn 10 Crucial Tips for First Time Obedience!

Young boy with freckles is obeying happily after mom teaches 10 tips for first time obedience

When our kids were very young, my husband and I worked hard to teach them the importance of obeying the first time they were told to do something. It took a lot of training, practice, and reminding, but we felt that first-time obedience was vital for two reasons:

  1. We wanted them to learn to obey the first time, so when God spoke to them they would obey Him without question.
  2. Safety reasons.

If they were about to run in front of a car, we couldn’t risk them waiting till the 3rd time we said “Stop!” Or if they were about to touch a hot stove, they needed to know that when we said “don’t touch!” they should immediately stop.

In reality, if our kids can obey us the 3rd or 4th time we tell them something, they have the ability to obey the FIRST time, so why not require it?

Related:  Is Your Parenting Leading Your Kids To Rebellion?

Picture the parents who use the “1, 2, 3” method. Their child has been trained that they don’t have to move or obey right away, but can wait till right before  Mom or Dad says “3”. Repeating your commands or threatening them like this, trains them to disobey. 

Children who wait till we have raised our voice, threatened, or told them something several times, do so because they’ve been “programmed” or trained that way by the parents. We shouldn’t get angry with them, since we have unknowingly trained them to wait to obey. (Are You An Angry Parent?)

So what should you do if your children are in the habit of not obeying the first time you speak to them? 

Don’t get angry, but realize that either they are still young and in training, OR that you have unintentionally trained them to disobey.

building a strong foundation

At that point, it’s up to YOU to have the self-discipline to break the habit of repeating instructions. In either instance, patience will be required, as training is still in progress.

10 Tips For First Time Obedience

Learn the parenting mistakes to avoid and what to do instead to prevent rebellion or pushing your kids away.

1. Sit down and talk to them about the problem.

Take the blame, and let them know that God says that children should obey their parents. They need to understand that when they wait to do what they are told, it’s not obedience. (Obedience is doing what you’re told, right away, with a good attitude.)

2. Explain and give examples of right and wrong responses when they are told to do something.

Then PRACTICE right responses. This is especially important for younger kids. We would turn it into a game, and clap and praise when they responded right during our practice sessions.

3. Pray with them asking God to help them to obey right away, and to help you, the parent, be consistent, as well.

4.  Let them know that for the next few days you will remind them when their response is wrong (disobedient). Then ask them to try again.

Bad habits take time to change, so we can’t just expect them to instantly start responding right if we have allowed them to wait till the 3rd or 4th time.

5. Consider a character chart, where you give stickers each time you catch them responding right.

Positive reinforcement is always my first choice for encouraging changes in behavior. Have a reward when a certain number of stickers have been earned. (Get our FREE character charts!)

6. After a few days of reminding, and practicing the correct behavior, let them know that you now EXPECT them to continue this way without reminders. 

Set them up for success by giving some easy or fun commands early in the day, then praising the obedience. This will make the other kids eager to try, and also serve as a reminder of what is now expected.

7. Determine an appropriate consequence for disobedience, and let the kids know in advance what it is.

Then when they “forget” and don’t obey the first time, you can calmly call them aside and talk to them about it, and remind them of the consequence they will receive because of their disobedience.

8. Be consistent, and don’t fall back into the old habit of telling them often, or threatening and raising your voice.

When you aren’t consistent, they learn to take chances. It’s not fair to make them wonder each day if you are going to be strict, or if one or two of them might get away with pushing the limits. Consistency will lead to frustration free discipline.

9. Be sure and show grace when needed. 

If a child is doing very well, but is having a bad day and messes up, determine whether it’s out of rebellion, or more of an immaturity issue that needs to be worked on.

10. If you are going through an extra busy time, or for some reason DO find that you have fallen back into the habit of giving orders more than once, or yelling to get the kids to listen, call another family meeting.

Admit that you haven’t been training them to obey as you should, apologize for your inconsistency, and once again have a few days of training and practice.

It’s easy to gradually let things slip, and we all are prone to it. Don’t get discouraged, and don’t get angry with the kids. Realize the need to address the issue, and ask God to help you to be consistent!

Do you want to reinforce first time obedience in a positive way?

I have the perfect (FREE!) tool for you – an Obedience Chart to use with your kids!

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10 Tips for first time obedience

10 Tips for First Time Obedience to help you as you train your children about the importance of doing what they're told right away with a happy spirit.

3 Mistakes That Turn Your Child’s Heart From You

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Learn the parenting mistakes to avoid and what to do instead to prevent rebellion or pushing your kids away.

We’ve been talking about positive ways to win our children’s hearts. Today I’m going to talk about the negative side of it, and share 3 mistakes that can turn your child’s heart from you!

3 Mistakes That Turn Your Child’s Heart From You

mistakes that turn your child from you

1. We strive to LOOK right but fail to emphasize the heart issues that are important.

If you look at the way you discipline, often you may discover that you spend much of your time on changing their behavior, rather than changing their hearts.

This isn’t how to reach your child’s heart. Their heart isn’t touched, and God is concerned with the heart. 

From the book Parenting is Heart Work:

The greatest parenting tip we can share wtih you is this:   maintain a strong connection to your heavenly father. He offers spiritual guidance and direction to help you work through your own heart issues so you can become effective with your children. Ask God to show you the real issues your son or daughter is facing, then PRAY.”

2. We strive to keep our kids from the wrong while failing to befriend them ourselves.

In order to develop a relationship with our children and be connected families, we must spend time with them!

It’s not enough to protect them from the wrong influences, people, or activities. We have to fill that void, by spending time with them. We need to make that a priority!

Unfortunately, it’s not something we can always do on our own time table either. I think it’s important to allow time in your schedule daily just to spend time with your kids, but I have found that often they need my attention or a listening ear at times when I’m busy with something else. Nothing is more important though than being there when they want to talk.

Related Posts: Why You Need To Win Your Child’s Heart,  Four Simple Ways To Win Your Child’s Heart

They open up on their schedule, not just when you are ready to listen and say “Hey, what’s on your heart that you want to talk about? I’ve got 15 minutes.”

If you are available to listen, or just be there for them when they’re going through a difficult time, as they share their emotions with you it will create a bond. They then are more willing to hear you out, because they know you care.

The key is availability! ( It is also very helpful to just include them in your cooking, cleaning, errands, etc.)

3. We strive for compliance and forget the relationship that will bring compliance. 

In our efforts to raise “good children” and require obedience, it’s easy to become harsh as we strive to be firm.  That harshness and/or anger is something that will quickly destroy the relationship you have with your children.

Harshness and anger damage relationships! 

overcoming anger God's way

It’s much, much better to appeal to our children on the basis of love, rather than using fear of our anger to get them to do what they should.

In the booklet Solving the Crisis in Christian Parenting, it talks about this very thing and says it SO well:

What we didn’t realize was that there is a great difference between intimidating children into subjection and winning their hearts into submission. Intimidating children into subjection merely gains outward compliance. Having their hearts means gaining greater opportunity to influence their values.”

It’s so important to also remember that anger doesn’t address the issue of the heart, and confuses the learning process. The child is focusing more on avoiding your anger, than changing their heart. 

Learn 3 Mistakes That Turn Your Child's Heart From You - and How To Avoid Them!Click To Tweet

Dr. S.M. Davis counsels many Christian parents who are struggling with their children and has made the observation that when there is rebellion in a young person, there is almost always anger in one or both of the parents. The anger causes the parent to lose the child’s heart, and over time they rebel.

Are you raising a rebel? If you are ready to actively examine your parenting for these mistakes that can lead to rebellion, then this study is for you.

study guide Are you raising a rebel?

We know there will be parenting mistakes. But with God’s help, we can ask Him to make us aware of any mistakes we may be making with your kids. He will give us the strength to repair damaged relationships and He will purposefully work to win the hearts of your children!

How do you recover from parenting mistakes?

Join me for a free 5 day series:  5 Parenting Mistakes that Lead To Rebellion

We will look at five ways you can inadvertently instill a rebellious spirit in your child’s heart, and Biblical answers will be given as to how to deal with early rebellion. A daily email will be sent for 5 consecutive days.

Sign me up for the mistakes that lead kids to rebellion series!


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The 3 Best Character Charts To Encourage Growth

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One of our favorite ways to encourage character growth in our children was to use character charts to measure their progress.

This kept us watching for the efforts they were making, and it also reminded them to keep trying to show Godly character throughout the day. 

Here are the 3 Best Character Charts To Encourage Growth

3 Best Character Charts The Character Corner

 

With that in mind, we designed the Excellence in Character Chart, and a Growth in Character Chart. We used these charts to have character contests and character celebrations.

With most of the kids, when they got to be about 12,  they didn’t get as excited about it all as when they were young.   At that point, a younger sibling was usually old enough to understand and be added in.

Obviously, you don’t have to use the charts like we do. It will depend on how many kids you have, their ages, and how you want to use them with your family. I am just presenting this so you know how we have used them in our home.

We choose a time frame (1 – 2 weeks), and let the kids know when the character contest begins, and when it will end.

During that time we would watch for the kids to show good character, and give them a mark on the chart for the trait they displayed. (8 Ways To Recognize Good Character In Your Children)

For example, if one of them picked up toys without being told, we would give them a plus (tally mark) under their name for initiative on the Excellence in Character Chart.

When the contest time ended, we had a character celebration.

Here’s how we encouraged character, just to give you an idea:

1. We chose a character trait out of the bowl, and the child with the most marks for that trait was the winner. 

We gave the winner one of our character ribbons and a prize from the prize bag. (toys from the Dollar Store, packs of gum, candy bars)  We all clapped and got excited for the winner.

2. After the winner announcement was done, we looked at the Excellence chart to see who could fill in any squares on their growth chart. 

For every five marks they got for any trait, they got to fit in a square on their Growth in Character Chart for that trait.  This enabled us to recognize them for the progress they had made during the week, even though they may not have been the winner.

3. After this time of recognizing the progress that the kids had made, we had a special treat like ice cream or cookies.

Even though the kids started to lose their excitement about winning as they got a bit older, we still wanted them to keep a focus on character, and be involved. Sometimes I would pair the older ones up with the younger ones, and they’d encourage their teammate during the contest.

Another thing I did was have the teens help me watch for good character in the younger ones.

I started this when I noticed one of the teens was VERY good at seeing the bad in his siblings. Often he could be heard saying things like, “Awww – you’re not obeying!”, or “You’re having a bad attitude!”. 

I wanted to turn the negativity into positive comments instead. 

So I told the teen that I needed his help with watching for good character in the kids and asked him to give them a tally mark on the chart whenever he saw them showing good character.

This turned things around for him and the siblings!

He started to notice the good, and they were much more encouraged to hear him say, “Wow! You just showed initiative (or some other trait)! I’m going to give you a plus on the character chart.” 

To me, it was very exciting. I love hearing my older kids encouraging their younger siblings to do what is right!

Character Charts

Benefits of growing character by using character charts:

1. It kept my husband and I focused on positive behavior.

It is so easy to see the wrong things our kids do and get after them for those things constantly.  Yet, we forget to look for the right behavior and good character and praise them for it.

Using these charts caused me to be on the lookout for any signs of effort to practice good character.

As a result, I was much aware when they did the right things, and I encouraged them more often about the right behavior.

2. It kept us focused on what was important.

Sometimes we forget that Godly character is more important than physical accomplishments (like in sports), musical abilities, or getting good grades.

As a result, we convey the wrong priorities to our kids and fail to teach them what really matters.

My husband and I felt very strongly that building Godly character in our kids intentionally should be one of our top priorities and goals.

We wanted the kids to know that Godly character pleased the Lord, and was important.

Using the charts helped us to remember to look for good character in our kids, and to praise them when they showed it, letting them know we were pleased with their behavior and so was God.

3. It kept the idea of Godly character before the kids all through the day.

All it took was us “catching” one child showing good character, and giving them a mark on their chart. Other kids would then start thinking about how they could show good character too.

Choosing to do things that show good character becomes a habit over time, and then develops into character.

Two additional thoughts about encouraging character with charts: 

Perhaps some of you are wondering, “Well, aren’t the kids doing it for the wrong reason?  They’re choosing to go and do something “right” so they can get a mark on their chart, and get recognition from Mom or Dad.”

1. They MAY be doing it for the wrong reason.

However, they are purposefully choosing to do something that is right. In reality that’s what character is. Doing what’s right whether we feel like it or not, because it’s right.

2. God uses rewards to motivate us to do right.

In the Bible, we are promised that we can get stars in our crowns. So why not encourage our kids to do what pleases the Lord by using small rewards, such as verbal praise, marks on a chart, or little prizes in a character celebration.

GET A FREE DOWNLOAD of the Excellence and Growth in Character Charts, AND a copy of the 48 Godly Character Traits

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