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Just this afternoon, I was talking with one of our adult sons about his little boy and the challenges of parenting a toddler. I told him it seemed like just the other day that he was that size. The years pass so quickly, don’t they?

We have five adult children and only three left at home. That’s not something to be sad about, though — our adult kids are our best friends!

It’s been amazing to see our relationships transform as they’ve grown up.

To connect with your adult kids, though, your relationship has got to undergo that transformation. You can’t treat a twenty-something like a twelve-year-old and expect to have a good relationship with them.

Here are some practical things we’ve learned along the way that are simple but really powerful.

7 Practical Ways To Connect With Your Adult Child

1. Listen to what they care about.

Nearly every time parents tell us they are struggling with a teen or adult child, they say, “He won’t talk to us, but he says we never listen to him!”

Actually, those two things are connected!

When you listen to whatever they want to share, no matter how boring or how irrelevant to what you want to hear, you are telling them, “I care about you as a person. You’re not just a project to me. I want to hear what is important to you.”

If you want your son or daughter to listen to you, listen to them. That’s a great practical way to connect with your adult child!

2. Communicate in whatever way they are comfortable.

It’s natural for our generation to pick up the phone, but it most definitely isn’t natural to theirs. Try different communication methods until you find one they respond to easily – text, social media messages, whatever.

If you’re using a medium they like to use, “talking” will be easier.

3. Facilitate whole family communication.

Many years ago, while we had students in different colleges and Dad working overseas, we started a group chat on Skype. We’ve kept it going over a decade now!

We also have a secret Facebook group that’s just for family members. It’s been great fun to have a way to share little things and big ones, from prayer requests to silly videos, or even just talk about what’s going on in each of our lives. It’s really helped keep us all connected.

You can do the same with group messaging, email, or other media.

4. Respect their adulthood.

“You’ll always be my child,” of course, but they need us to recognize they’re grown up now.

A friend recently said she was unsure whether to allow her early-twenties son to get his own apartment because they wouldn’t have as much control over him.

When we take that attitude, though, our adult kids may have to stand up to us to even do normal adult things.

Instead, we can respond to something like this with, “Well, son, you’re an adult, of course, so you can do whatever you think is best. Do you want me to help you think it through?”

He’ll be much more likely to take your advice when it doesn’t feel like you’re trying to control him.

5. To Connect With Your Adult Child, Let Them Be Themselves.

Boy, this one is hard.

Our kids are going to do a few things differently than we did–just like we did some things differently than our parents! For the sake of the relationship, we need to be okay with them making their own decisions.

If they’re in actual sin or heading that way, we call them to repentance just like we do our friends. If not, though, we shouldn’t let secondary matters cause a breach between us, no matter how strongly we feel about those things. The Holy Spirit can lead them just like He’s lead us.

6. Respond when they reach out.

This is a very real way to show them how much we value them.

When they walk by and mutter something, respond. When they send a text or start a conversation, keep it going, even if you don’t care about the topic.

Your responses tell them they matter, really matter, to you.

7. Enjoy them like friends!

Can you imagine a group of friends who share all the precious memories of your kids growing up, who have read all your favorite books, who share your values and understand your heart?

Your adult kids can be those friends, but you have to let them grow up and allow your relationship to become an adult interaction. It’s worth every effort. It’s been an incredible blessing and pleasure to us!

As you can see, there are practical ways to connect with your adult child! For more on building relationship and discipling your kids of all ages, listen to our podcast, subscribe to our YouTube channel, read our blog, connect with us on Facebook or Instagram.

Your friends,
Hal & Melanie

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Hal & Melanie Young are the award-winning, best-selling authors of Raising Real Men, No Longer Little and Love, Honor, and Virtue. They are publishers, writers, bloggers, and popular conference speakers internationally, known for their Christ-centered focus and practical, real-life stories. They are the parents of six real boys (four grown!) and two real girls and live in noisy, messy happiness in North Carolina.

How to have a Strong Connection with your Teen

My ultimate goal for parenting teens has always been to have a relationship with each teen child – no matter what happened in my parenting journey.

Having a strong connection with your teen is what will get you through the teen years and beyond.

It is one of my greatest blessings today, that even as they have all left home, we enjoy each other’s company and value each other’s input into our lives.

A relationship goes two ways – I enjoy them, and they enjoy me.

A healthy relationship doesn’t happen just because I’m the parent and they are the child.

A healthy relationship grows as we get to know each other, as we share life together and as we share our inner thoughts, dreams, passions, and values.

The Best Ways To Connect With Your Teen Child

To build healthy relationships and connect with our teens we need to be committed to the idea of having a relationship. 

This goes beyond the connection we have as parent and child. That is a certain relationship, but if we want to speak into our teen’s hearts we need to go to the next level.

We need to build and nurture a relationship where there is intentional ‘know, like, and trust’.

There is so much tension in a parent’s heart about the teen years. The reason is that the teen years are characterized by our children stretching their self-determination muscles. This is a good thing!

But unless we are prepared for it we take it personally. We get fearful and we clamp down and control and limit our child.

The teen years should be the time when our kids are stretching their moral muscles. A time where they are learning what it looks like to live a life of character and conviction. One where they are learning how to balance their spheres of life and be true to their beliefs.

They need our help to grow strong faith and moral skills and they need our help to navigate into the adult world. That being said, we cannot force our way into being heard.

By the time our kids get to the middle of the teen years, they will only listen to the voices they invite in. This is a part of growing up.

So the key is to be such a person that they invite in.

5 Keys to Building Connection with your Teen

1 – Respect the personhood of your child

To be honest, we should be respecting the personhood of our child right from the beginning. Our child has been made in the image of God, with a uniqueness that God intended. Each of us express that uniqueness in our personality, our preferences, our strengths and weaknesses, our passions, our quirks.

Parents are all too quick to see the impact of sin in the world (and in our child’s heart) that we forget that God made every aspect of our child.

It is His purpose for our child to flourish and He will use their personality, abilities, passions for His purposes.

Instead of trying to fix our teen we need to find a way to celebrate who they are.

2 – Think the best of them and desire the best for them

Unfortunately, our culture has developed a suspicion around teenagers – we fear what they may do, we fear that they will walk away from their roots. We basically don’t trust them.

This is unfair – it is certainly unfair to come at the teen years with this mindset.

My oldest two approached me one day and asked me why they needed to rebel. As they heard it, this is what was expected of them (not from me, but from the culture around them).

I asked them a simple question: What would you rebel against?

They thought about it and decided they didn’t need to rebel against God because they loved Him; they didn’t need to rebel against me either because I was for them, and they loved me too.

For sure, there were times of conflict (both in their relationship with God and with me) but the bottom line was that they knew that I wanted the best for them and that I was on their side, I was for them.

Whatever our teen does comes from what is in their heart.

We can choose to trust that good is in our teen’s heart or we can choose to live in fear.

3 – Choose to care rather than control

As our teen grows up the way we parent has to change.

How we parent has changed in each season of life with our kids.

Initially, they needed us to nurture them as babies.

Then we needed to instruct them on how to do life.

Then we started to teach them the ‘why’s’ behind the actions (spiritual and moral truths).

These seasons we are the one in control – the boss or the instructor. But as our children start to be able to make choices for themselves, their needs change.

As they make good choices, choices based on the good we have taught them, they start moving away from needing a teacher.

Instead, they need a coach.

• Someone who will stand beside them and help them dig deep and be all that they can be.
• One who will be an objective observer, giving solid feedback and support as they continue to grow in the ability to live life making their own choices.
• A person who will hold them accountable.

When we come to our teens from a place of caring for them, instead of controlling them, they will respond differently.

Teens don’t necessarily want to do life on their own – but they do want to do their life.

4 – Desire peacefulness

One of the verses that kept going through my head as I lived with my teens was Romans 12:18 “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” And yes, that includes my teens.

It is up to me to choose love – unconditional love, it is up to me to forgive, it is up to me to be patient, kind, etc.

This doesn’t take away that as the parent, there were still times where I had to teach or correct but it addresses my heart.

I used to say to my kids all the time – you can’t control what the other person does, but you can control you.

The same goes for me, the same goes for any parent of a teenager. We can’t control what our teen does, but we can control me.

In any interaction I had with my kids that was leaning toward conflict I had to really work at this; I wanted to be a person who reflected who God was and what He had done for me.

Living peacefully is about having the right attitude towards the people you live with – and that is my choice.

5 – Listen & ask more than tell

As a coach, not teacher we have to learn to listen and ask questions rather than jump in and tell. There is a lot going on in a teen’s heart and life. Sometimes they aren’t necessarily showing us the whole picture.

Ask questions to remind your teen that you are interested.

By listening to their answers we are showing them that we respect them.

Don’t squash the vulnerability of them sharing what is going on in their life by telling them what to do about it.

You want your teens to feel safe and trust that we are truly there for them. That you want the best for them and that you will show unconditional love.

Then they will invite you in more and more, but it isn’t a given. Trust is earned.

A phrase that Peter and I have constantly come back to is:

When you show character – people begin to respect you…
After time, that respect – grows into trust …
After time that trust – builds a relationship…
When you have relationships with people – you have influence into their lives

As our teens grow in respect towards us, they open their hearts to us. We then have the opportunity to influence their thinking and choices.

Relationship to Connect with your Teen is a Thing

Relationship is a powerful thing – but it starts with our own choices as a parent.

When we take on board each of these five attitudes we will relate to our teen differently. We will be open with them, we will be available and kind.

The Bible is full of wisdom about how to relate to people. Though none of these pearls of wisdom are directed specifically towards a parent and teenager, the reality is they are just as valid in this relationship as any other.

Can you imagine the change in your relationship if you took the ‘one another’ verses and applied them to how you relate to your teen?

• Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you – Romans 15:7
• Carry one other’s burdens – Galatians 6:2
• Be kind and compassionate to one another – Ephesians 4:32
• Don’t grumble against each other – James 5:9
• Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling – 1 Peter 4:9

You can download a complete list of these One Another verses here and start working through each and every one in your relationship with your teen. I am absolutely positive that you will see a change in your heart and a connection grow with your teen.

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Belinda Letchford writes at Live life with your Kids! Where she encourages parents to build strong relationships, shape their children’s hearts and use the whole of life to teach character, wisdom and life skills. Belinda and Peter have four children, who are now all adults – and the last has just recently left home. Now that the kids are all adults life looks very different but they still find it a joy to be available to their kids as well as seeing what this next stage of life brings for them as a couple. You can also find Belinda on Instagram and Facebook.

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Are you struggling to connect with an emotional tween? There are MANY changes that happen as your child grows from tween to teen. As a mom of 5, I know this well. But one of the biggest shifts is the rollercoaster of emotions that kicks off during this time.

Connecting with your child and winning their heart in the day to day can be hard enough. Throw in the downpour of emotions they experience during tweens and you can easily find yourself overwhelmed wondering how you can still connect with them! Today I hope to encourage you. Let’s look together at 6 ways you can connect with your emotional tween!

How To Connect With Your Emotional Tween

Connect with your emotional tween by listening.

One of the best ways we can be intentional in connecting with our emotional tween is to listen to them. I know, that seems silly to say right? After all, we spend all day, every day listening to them, don’t we? Well, maybe not as much as we think. We live in a world full of distractions. Between the busyness of life, homeschooling and work or ministry it can be surprising (even to us) how little we actually listen to our kids… but they know.

Let me ask you a question. How often have you asked your child to “pay attention” or listen to you? If you have any children, it’s safe to say MANY times 🙂 We too need to be mindful of distractions (phones, computers, other kiddos etc) when talking with our kids. Not only should we try our best to put away distractions, but we need to “actively” listen as well. 

We should offer our full attention (including full eye contact), and engage in the conversation. Ask questions for further details, repeat back what is being said and then patiently (eek!) wait for their response. This way they will feel “heard” and that will build a connection where they will want to reach out to you during those emotional highs and lows. 

So, to the Mom who is mustering up the patience to sit and talk out today’s concerns with your emotional tween for 45 minutes at bedtime,  I feel you, I’m praying for you, but let me encourage you to keep at it!

Remember compassion when connecting with your emotional tween.

When the emotional roller coaster sets in (yes, even as early as 8-9 years old) one of the hardest things can be to hold on to compassion. If “everything is wrong” or it’s just one trouble after another, it can be much easier to say enough already!

Now don’t get me wrong, there are times where healthy breaks to calm down are needed. It can help with that shift you both need to reclaim your thoughts and try again. But many times, I find myself praying for compassion in the moment because I don’t have any left. When I ask God to show me our kid’s hearts and needs through His eyes, the compassion flows. When compassion flows, your emotional tween will feel it, and your connection to their heart will grow stronger!

Build a connection with your tween by letting go and bringing back.

If I had to sum up my time spent as a parent in the tween stage so far, it would be a lot of learning how to navigate ‘letting them go and bringing them back’. There are so many ways we, as parents, need to learn to let the reigns go a bit. This will build their confidence, independence and help them grow in many areas!

But then, in turn, we need to be a safe place for them when they do fall.  And they will fall, Mom.  They are learning too. This part of tween parenting is important in building a connection to their heart but with an emotional tween, this is crucial!

We need to teach our tweens how to handle their emotions in a God-honoring way. That is the goal. Doing this means giving them the tools and support they need….and then yes, let them figure out which of those work best for them. We need to continually hand over our children to the Lord to do His work – even with an emotional tween. He does it far better than we ever could!

Find similar interests to connect with your emotional tween.

One of my favorite ways to connect with my kids is to find similar interests! I DO understand this can be challenging for many moms. Some of your kids may be more like you, which makes connecting with them naturally easier.

I have also found that there are interests, different for each of our 5 kids, that God has used as a connecting point. It’s been amazing to see!

It’s so fun to connect with them and their interests and it’s eye-opening to see the person God is growing them to be. Connecting with your child’s interests can be in little or big ways. If you are having trouble finding interests then start small. A song, book or movie that you both like can spark great conversation.

Nothing yet? Try my favorite. 

Notice a verse that you both like and ask questions as to why they like it or what they think about it.

Still can’t find anything? Pray!

God is faithful.  He cares about connecting with our child’s heart even more than you do. I believe He will show you some similar interest if you ask Him!

Connect with your child during one on one time.

As our children grow from toddler to kiddo to the infamous tweens it can be easy to start lessening your focus on one on one time with Mom or Dad. After all, we just talked about this being the stage of letting go. But the one on one time is part of the “bringing them back” that is very needed.

Building a connection to your child through intentional one on one time is crucial. Dare I say it is as important through the tweens to teens as it is in the toddler stage? Yes, I believe it is. But here is the key – they likely don’t even know they need it.

One on one time won’t necessarily look the same. Toddlers get whiny or act out when they need some “mom time”. Tweens can get emotional as a sign too, but they are also likely to say nothing at all.

If you aren’t aware of the importance of connecting with them individually, then they can start to pull away and lose the connection you do have.

Please understand I know how challenging this can be!  With 5 kids, homeschool, working from home and ministry, the time to connect with each can be hard to come by. But let me encourage you today that small connections are seeds. With time and in a different season they can grow into something amazing!

One on one time reading together,  writing them notes, building something or cooking together can lay a beautiful foundation for connection. Believe it or not, they will grow into teens – even faster than you think! There will be a season for more in-depth one on one time. One that can offer more time than you may have right now and that’s ok. Lay the foundation, it all counts. Take advantage of the time you have. Please don’t feel like small connections are insignificant – they are not! Small steps, slow and steady Mama. There is fruit ahead!

Prayer is key to connecting with your emotional tween.

As with any parenting topic, God’s word and prayer continue to be the most important and most effective! When you are struggling or wondering how to connect with your emotional tween, stop and pray! God is so faithful to guide us. Pray with your tween during or after particularly emotional times depending on the situation.

Teach them that emotions are ok and God-given and that we are created in His image as emotional beings. Prayer is a great way for them to see that He wants to help us with our emotions and that you are there for them. God wants to show you how to connect with your emotional tween and win their heart for life! So, Mom, it’s your turn, which of these steps are you going to focus on this week? Let us know in the comments below!

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As you purposefully communicate to connect with your child, it will help you build relationship and trust which leads to keeping your child’s heart.  

If you watch any family that has good relationships, and the kids and parents are close, you will notice that they have a good communication system in their home.

Tips on How To Communicate To Connect With Your Child

1. Keep in mind that while most communication is verbal, there are other components that are important:

Communication is:

• The ability to talk AND listen
• Caring and showing that you care
• Knowing your children’s interests, likes, and dislikes
• Laughing with your children
• Being there when needed
• Letting your child know you love and appreciate him or her (as they ARE!)
• Letting them know they are of value to you
• A pat on the back, a hug

Communication that connects also involves listening and asking the right questions in the right way:

• Ask one question at a time.
• Ask open-ended questions rather than questions that can be answered with yes or no.
• Don’t interrupt while your child is talking. Focus on listening intently until they are done.
• Listen to understand not just their words, but also the emotions they are expressing through those words.
• Ask a follow-up question that will open the door to more communication on that topic they have been talking about.

Why DON’T we communicate as parents?  Often, it is because we are too busy.

There are always things to be done: laundry, housework, childcare & training, school, dishes, and more laundry.

These responsibilities keep us busy, and when we get a break, we are so tired that we don’t want to make the effort to communicate. It’s easier to put a DVD in, and plop the kids down and grab a few minutes to just relax in quiet.

But the truth is, even if it’s not convenient, you HAVE to communicate to connect with your child.

2. Communicate to connect by taking the time to talk and listen to them.

That’s how we know their hearts. That’s how we win their hearts.

There’s nothing wrong with needing a little quiet time now and then, but make sure to be there when your kids want to talk, or they will quit trying.  

If you are always busy, or impatient, or disinterested, they’ll go find someone who will listen.

Communication is more important than cleaning or laundry.

Your children won’t necessarily remember a clean house but they will remember if Mom or Dad were always just too busy for them.

If you haven’t been in the habit of communicating with your kids, you need to start with little steps and make it happen.

3. Offer to play a game with them, or do something with them that they would enjoy.

While you’re together ask questions about what they’ve been doing, about their friends, etc. Get them talking, while you listen and learn.

It’s surprising how much you can learn about your kids if you just pay attention to what they are saying. Sometimes their talk may seem silly or unimportant to you, but it’s important to them!

Build Better Communication With Your Kids With These 8 Tips!

4. One of the BEST times to really talk to your kids is at bedtime.

Bedtime can be hard because we are tired, and just want to hurry them off to bed so we can relax, or get some work done.

However, I have found that many important conversations took place with my kids at bedtime.

Let me encourage you to make a ritual of praying with them after they get in bed, and then giving them a few minutes to talk if they seem to need or want to.

Also, I found that after my little ones were in bed, often the teens would want to talk to me.

I had to guard against getting frustrated about this.

It was finally my time to have quiet, and just as I’d begin to work on my list for the next day, or catch up on my emails, one of my teens would come in the room.

They would sit down and just start chatting about this, that, and the other thing. I had to calmly remind myself, repeatedly, that it was a blessing that my teens wanted to come and talk to me.

Many parents would do just about anything to get their teens to open up and share with them.

I also reminded myself that the time goes fast, and I needed to enjoy that time with them. Because of that, I can remember and smile about the many hours I spent with my teens at night, just listening, talking, and laughing together.

Now that they’re young adults and married or on their own, they still call and we talk.

5. Another good time to talk is when you take your kids somewhere and have one on one time.

I remember when my youngest daughter would go on an outing with me.

She would talk and talk, then finally stop and ask, “Am I talking too much?!”

It still makes me smile to think about it. She is married now, and I miss those times.

(Reminder here for you that still have young ones – you’ve heard it a thousand times, but it’s SO true – the day WILL come when you miss all the noise and talking, and you’ll wish you could turn back the clock!)

6. If you want to communicate to connect, remember to keep the communication positive.

Of course, there are many times when we have to correct and train our children.

However, be very careful not to always be nagging, or making negative comments about what they have or haven’t done.

Avoid these 7 Responses That Make Your Kids Stop Talking To You!

Frequent negative comments will shut down communication, and make them just want to avoid you.

Be purposeful about regularly giving your kids words of encouragement and praise.

They should hear things like:

• I’m so proud of how hard you worked on that! You really showed diligence.
• Your actions show you have grown in character.
• Good for you!!
• Keep up the good work!
• I can’t wait to tell Daddy what you did. He’s going to be SO pleased!
• When you obey so quickly and sweetly, it makes Jesus so happy.
• I’m so glad God gave you to us!
• Thank you for helping with ___________ today. I couldn’t do it all without you!

Biblical blessings are powerful and are a great tool for building a strong connection to your children. Join our 10 Day Praying Biblical Blessings For Your Children Challenge and see what an encouragement it will be to you and your children!

Perhaps you have one of those difficult children, and it’s HARD to find something positive about their behavior.

Ask God to show you something good in them or their behavior, and even if it’s not a big thing, make it a big thing. Find the little things they are doing right and let them know how much that pleases you.

It will make them want to try harder to please you while helping you to look for the positive behavior rather than focusing on the negative.

Communication with parents and their kids isn’t really common these days. However, as Christian parents, we should make sure that it’s at the top of our priority list.

What a testimony your family can have when you have good relationships with each other!

A few years ago on a Sunday night after church, my daughter and I ran into the store at the gas station.

While we were in line waiting to pay, we were talking and laughing together. I didn’t realize it, but the cashier who was probably in her 30’s, had been watching us.

When we got up there to pay, she asked me, “Is that your daughter?”

I said, “Yes, this is my daughter.”

She replied, with some surprise, “Wow! It’s SO nice to see you two laughing and talking together. You don’t see that very often.”

It made me appreciate the fact that I had a good relationship with my daughter (and my other kids), and was able to enjoy being with them and talking to them.

On the other hand, it made me sad to think about how many parents are missing out on that.

Communication is so important, and we have to be willing to do our part to make it happen. What can you do to communicate to connect with your child TODAY?

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How to Connect with a Child Who Pushes Away From You

As parents, we long to have a good relationship and connect to our kids, but some kids don’t make that easy!  Do you know how to connect when your child pushes away from you?

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Children need firmness, direction, limit-setting, instruction, and correction. Often that work of family life creates tension and children can tend to pull away emotionally.

So we must remember that they also need a lot of love. Of course, you know that, but it’s good to be reminded every once in a while, especially when the business of family life gets intense. Love can come in the form of affirmation, encouragement, support, or just spending relational time together.

Here are some things to consider when connecting with a child who pushes away from you.

Empathy is a great way to connect with children on an emotional level.

One way to communicate empathy is to validate the pain or disappointment your child experiences. Then, you can gently move into a suggestion mode if needed. 

For example, when the cat scratches your three-year-old son who is playing rough, don’t just launch into a lecture.

Instead say something like, “Ouch, I’ll bet that hurt. It looks like he doesn’t like rough play, does he?”

Or when your eight-year-old daughter is hungry before dinner because she refused to eat lunch, you might say, “I’ll bet you’re hungry. That’s a long time to go without food.”

If you leave out empathy and just move into a lecture mode, children may react poorly. They may view your approach as condescending or cold and respond with anger or hostility. 

Communicating love through empathy allows the child to accept responsibility for the problem.

Empathy Opens Windows to the Heart

Empathy reveals understanding and care and validates the emotions a child is experiencing even though the actions that come out of those emotions may need correction.

Demonstrating concern while your child learns from experience can be one of the best ways to develop closeness. It puts you on your child’s team, facing the challenges life presents.

One dad said it this way,

“I’m a problem solver. In fact, I show love to my kids by helping them solve their problems. Unfortunately, my teenage daughter doesn’t want solutions from me. She’s very capable of solving problems herself.

When she shares a problem with me and I go into my solutions mode, she feels uncared for, just the opposite of what I want.

I’ve learned that sometimes the best approach is for me to first empathize with her and imagine what she must be feeling. It’s interesting that once I do that, she sometimes asks me for advice and I can then help her solve her problem.

The key for our relationship though has been my willingness to connect with her on an emotional level.”

If you launch into solutions before a child is ready, you may find yourself getting frustrated at your child’s lack of responsiveness to your advice.

If you’re wondering whether your child wants help or sympathy you might simply ask, but going the empathy route is usually the safest. Then you can try to offer suggestions.

You might ask, “Would you like an idea?” “Would you like to hear how other people might solve that problem?”

A listening ear communicates emotional connectedness. It says, “I’m interested in your world and how you think about things.” 

Do you know your child’s favorite things? That’s often a great way to start a conversation because you’re focusing on your child’s likes and dislikes.

Relational connectedness is experienced in the heart. Acts 4:32 says that the early disciples were “one in heart and mind.”

Jonathan’s armor-bearer expressed unity with his boss by saying, “Do all that you have in mind…I am with you heart and soul” (1 Samuel 14:7).

Your enjoyment of your kids creates a connectedness that runs deep.

With all of the challenges of family life, close relationships help ease the tension. That’s why 1 Peter 4:8 says, “Love covers over a multitude of sins.”

When you come to the conclusion that changes need to take place in your child and that it’s time to put your foot down because you just can’t live this way anymore, think relationship first.

Usually, parents start imagining the consequences and how they’re going to be more firm. Those are important components of your plan but don’t forget to add the relationship. 

Children can only take as much pressure as the relationship allows.

Firmness is Usually Required

Relationship is important but so is the firmness required to build character. We must be very careful about compromising convictions in order to make our children happy.

Some children pull away when things get tough, and we must look for ways that address relationship while setting boundaries and requiring responsibility at the same time.

God does a lot of giving instructions, correction, and limit setting for us as His kids but His primary desire is to have a personal relationship with us. All of the other things flow from that. 

In Revelation 3:20, Jesus expresses his desire for relationship by saying, “I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.”

Remember that relationship and firmness are often hard to accomplish at the same time and require wisdom, perseverance and an extra helping of God’s grace.  Be sure to seek God’s help as you work to connect with a child that pushes away!

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Dr. Scott Turansky is the co-founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting and trains coaches to work one-on-one with parents. He’s the co-author of 15 books including Parenting is Heart Work. You can learn more at biblicalparenting.org

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I sat down to write this post. Not far into it, I got a text from my son who goes to college a few hours away from here. Yes, I needed to get some writing and work done this morning, but we ended up texting for quite a while.

It was about spiritual things, and I realized how incredibly blessed we are that our kids still share with us and care about our opinions. He recently told me thank you for always supporting him. Yes, it makes my mama’s heart so happy.

I’ll be really honest here though: there are no guarantees in parenting.

We were far from perfect parents, and I could give you a list of regrets I personally have if I chose to dwell on those things. But instead, I’d rather focus on what you can do to move forward in a positive direction.

7 Habits You Can Start Today to Build a Lifelong Connection With Your Child

So here are the things I hope will help you build lifelong a connection with your children.

They are habits that no matter what happens, you won’t look back and say, “I really wish I hadn’t done that.”

And perhaps, through God’s grace, you’ll be spending the morning texting back and forth with your young adult child because you have built a solid relationship.

1. Model your faith.

It’s so easy to focus on things like Bible curriculums for our kids or programs that will help them understand how to grow in faith. There’s nothing wrong with looking for the best resources we can find. But I want to share with you the best curriculum, the best resource: you!

Our kids learn a lot more from what we do than what we say.

In matters of faith, if they don’t see that we have a heart for God and a commitment to growing that relationship, why would they? And how much better will it be when we teach from what we personally know?

That’s why we have to start with our hearts! So that we can teach from an overflow of our personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

But it’s more than just praying and being in the Word. They also need to see how we handle life.

2. Walk alongside one another in real-life situations.

I’ve often seen homeschooling moms worry when they got behind in school with their kids because they were taking care of a family member or had some sort of difficult circumstance come up.

We have to stop seeing life and education as two separate things!

When you walk through difficult times, invite your kids into the process.

Let them see you relying on God, working through doubts or fears. Talk about what it looks like to walk in faith even when things are hard and let them see you actively trusting God.

3. Read aloud together.

We loved reading aloud together!

There are some wonderful academic benefits to the practice, but the best benefits are about relationships. Reading aloud gives us a chance to talk about big ideas, tough situations, and character issues.

It also gives us a shared experience. We so often made references to books we read together as a family.

After reading The Giver, I can’t tell you how many times one of the boys said “precision of language, please” during conversations.

The first year my youngest was in college he sent a family text of a picture from his textbook mentioning Nathanial Bowditch who we had read about during their elementary years.

4. Have great conversations that build a lifelong connection!

I know that sounds obvious, but how often do we really sit down and just talk? On road trips, do your kids have time that is electronic free so you can all engage in conversation? Do we take those moments when driving around town together to talk?

And do we make sure that we have some meal times where we can look one another in the eye, free from distractions, and share what is going on in our worlds?

How we talk to our kids will make the difference about whether they want to sit and talk to us.

Our kids need to hear gracious and respectful words from us, and they need to hear those words in a gracious and respectful tone. We can be firm when we discipline, but that doesn’t mean we have to be harsh.

And most importantly we have to remember that conversations go two ways. We need to listen, sometimes biting our tongues, instead of just talking at our kids.

5. Make family time a priority.

As our kids kid older, this gets harder to do as schedules become more and more busy. That’s why you have to prioritize time that you will spend together.

Choose one night a week (or whatever works for your family as long as it’s regular and everyone can be together) to have a family fun night.

Play games, watch movies, go play miniature golf, or simply sit around and talk over ice cream. Making family time a priority will help you build those lifelong connections with your children!

6. Be a team. Work together to build a lifelong connection with your kid!

Teams work together, they cheer one another on, and they have a common goal. It’s amazing the difference cultivating a team mentality among your family members can make in the strength of your relationships.

So make it a habit to act as a team by:

• Encouraging each one another instead of putting one another down
• Letting each of your children know you believe in them and their abilities to do hard things
• Having regular “team meetings” to talk about what’s working and what’s not (and what you can do about it!)
• Working toward common goals whether in the home or through community service

7. Have fun and laugh a lot.

I end with this, but honestly, it should be really close to the top in priority.

Having fun and laughing together, creates an incredible bond between family members.

We’ve found that board games provide a great way to relax and often we end up laughing hysterically at some point.

We also love watching clean comedians together such as Tim Hawkins. (Several years ago we went to see him as a family for my birthday, and it will always be a great memory for us.) You can watch him on YouTube or get a DVD, pop some popcorn, and spend an evening laughing together.

When we get into the habit of doing these things, we build a connection with our kids. And that’s the kind of lifelong connection they will need as they grow up and become adults.

They live in a weirdly disconnected world considering all of the technology they possess, supposedly designed for connection.

Instead, they need true connection more than ever, and they need it with you.

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Kay Chance homeschooled her two sons for 15 years. Now that they are in college, she blogs at Heart-to-Heart Homeschooling where she helps moms cultivate the calm, deeply connected lives they crave through faith, family, and education.

She is also the author of the Older Extensions for the Trail Guide to Learning series and Content Editor for Homeschooling Today magazine

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Connecting to your child brings many benefits, some of which I mentioned in the previous post.  Today I want to show you why connecting to your kids is powerful and why one of your top parenting priorities should be to make heart ties with your children.

Here are 7 reasons why connecting to your kids is powerful:

1. A connection that wins the hearts of your children brings you greater opportunity to influence their values.

“There is a great difference between intimidating children into subjection and winning their hearts into submission.  Intimidating children into subjection merely gains outward compliance. Having their hearts means gaining greater opportunity to influence their values. “  (Reb Bradley – Solving The Crisis in Christian Parenting

2. Connecting to your kids is powerful because when kids feel disconnected they are much more likely to behave wrong.

Disciplining your children without having a strong connection is a lot more difficult, and can even lead to rebellion. 

As the familiar quote says, “Rules without relationships breed rebellion.”

Rather than having the goal of changing wrong behavior in your children, make it your goal to connect and build trust. 

Your kids will be willing to follow your instructions when they feel emotionally connected to you, knowing you have their best interest at heart.  

3. A strong connection shows your children that they are loved and appreciated.

Kids long for the approval and love of their parents.  When you have a close relationship with them, it fulfills that longing and affirms your love for them.

4. It helps you to discipline in a positive, gentle way.

Having a strong connection with your child makes discipline much easier.

A key to positive discipline is this little guideline:  connect before you correct.

When you connect you build trust with your child,  which results in them being more willingness to cooperate.

When they trust us to understand and know we are  FOR them, they are motivated to follow our lead.

By keeping the parent-child relationship as your top goal, you will find that bond just naturally begins to happen.

5. Kids who feel connected to their parents will find it easier to communicate what is going on in their lives. 

When we make a strong connection with our kids, we open the door of emotional closeness,  talk with us about difficult or sensitive issues.

They will feel it is safe to come to you with their questions, worries, dreams, etc.

6. Early attachment and ongoing attachment to our kids through love, nurture, and guidance bring success to them in many areas of life.

The confidence that they gain through that connection just naturally leads to more success as they are growing up.

7. Your children feel validated and respected when they have a strong connection with you. 

This promotes emotional health and fulfills their need to feel valued and accepted.  It gives them a secure base from which they learn to handle their emotions.

How are you doing with connecting with and winning the heart of your child?  Determine today to be intentional about tapping into the power of a strong connection!

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