We’ve been talking about positive ways to win our children’s hearts. Today I’m going to talk about the negative side of it, and share 3 mistakes that can turn your child’s heart from you
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Previous posts in this series: Why You Need To Win Your Child’s Heart, Four Simple Ways To Win Your Child’s Heart
1. We strive to LOOK right, but fail to emphasize the heart issues that are important.
If you look at the way you discipline, often you may discover that you spend much of your time on changing their behavior, rather than changing their hearts.
The problem with this is that their heart isn’t touched, and God is concerned with the heart.
From the book Parenting is Heart Work:
The greatest parenting tip we can share wtih you is this: maintain a strong connection to your heavenly father. He offers spiritual guidance and direction to help you work through your own heart issues so you can become effective with your children. Ask God to show you the real issues your son or daughter is facing, then PRAY.”
2. We strive to keep our kids from the wrong, while failing to befriend them ourselves.
In order to develop a relationship with our children, we MUST spend time with them!
It’s not enough to protect them from the wrong influences, people, or activities. We have to fill that void, by spending time with them. We need to make that a PRIORITY!
Unfortunately, it’s not something we can always do on our own time table either. I think it’s important to allow time in your schedule daily just to spend time with your kids, but I have found that often they need my attention, or a listening ear at times when I’m busy with something else. Nothing is more important though than being there when they want to talk.
They open up on their schedule, not just when you are ready to listen, and say “Hey, what’s on your heart that you want to talk about? I’ve got 15 minutes.”
If you are available to listen, or just be there for them when they’re going through a difficult time, as they share their emotions with you it will create a bond. They then are more willing to hear you out, because they know you care.
The key is availability! ( It is also very helpful to just include them in your cooking, cleaning, errands, etc.)
3. We strive for compliance and forget the relationship that will bring compliance.
In our efforts to raise “good children” and require obedience, it’s easy to become harsh as we strive to be firm. That harshness and/or anger, is something that will quickly destroy the relationship you have with your children.
Harshness and anger damage relationships!
It’s much, much better to appeal to our children on the basis of love, rather than using fear of our anger to get them to do what they should.
In the booklet Solving the Crisis in Christian Parenting, it talks about this very thing, and says it SO well:
What we didn’t realize was that there is a great difference between intimidating children into subjection and winning their hearts into submission. Intimidating children into subjection merely gains outward compliance. Having their hearts means gaining greater opportunity to influence their values.”
It’s so important to also remember that anger doesn’t address the issue of the heart, and confuses the learning process. The child is focusing more on avoiding your anger, than changing their heart.
Dr. S.M. Davis counsels many Christian parents who are struggling with their children, and has made the observation that when there is rebellion in a young person, there is almost always anger in one or both of the parents. The anger causes the parent to lose the child’s heart, and over time they rebel.
Ask God to make you aware if you are making these mistakes with your kids, and continue to purposefully work to win the hearts of your children!
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Yes! Having worked with children for many years, I can affirm that these are all very valid points. There is something to be said of developing a deep, positive relationship before attempting to enforce tons of behavior standards. Thanks for sharing!
God bless,
Patty
Thank you Patty! The old saying is true: Rules without relationship breed rebellion.
Mam I want to have met with u once.
Are these mistakes in the article about winning your child’s heart?
Is it possible to do with an adult child that is just not happy because if many of her own choices
Mindy, I believe that making these mistakes could and often can cause us to lose the heart of our child. With an adult child there are a lot more variables than with younger kids or teens. I do believe though that you still need to invest in the relationship, and let them know you still love them even if they are making wrong choices.
This is great advice! I agree so much that having a relationship with our children leads to better behavior and attitudes. Angry moms rarely get more than temporary obedience. So I sit down, play video games with them or paint nails- whatever it takes.
Thanks Terria! Glad you liked the post. Yes – we may intimidate them into obedience, but it doesn’t reach their heart so the change is only temporary. Very good strategy to stop what you’re doing and do something with them!
Relationship is so crucial in parenting, and I almost missed that with all my task orientation. I’m so thankful for the ties that bind our family together!
It’s easy to get busy with “getting it all done” and fail to spend the time we should with our children, building a good relationship.
Hi Kathie, I need some help here. My 13 years old daughter says she is a transgender/fluid gender. What should I do? I was a tomboy myself. Certainly wished I was a boy back then. Is tomboy considered as transgender? Although we love her unconditionally, is it selfish to hope she comes to her senses? I mean it would definitely easier to accept if she’s 21 but I just thought considering her age, she may still need to be guided? Thanks heaps
Hi Lorelei! That’s a tough situation. I would first wonder where she has heard or is hearing about transgender/fluid gender? Then I would gently lead her to God’s Word. Remind her that He made us male & female, and she is fearfully & wonderfully made. God made her JUST the way she is for a reason, and she is precious in His sight. Wanting to do tomboy things doesn’t change the fact that she is a girl. Keep referring her back to the truth of the Bible, and above all PRAY for her!
Oh, this is good stuff! There has to be a strong, close relationship with a whole lot of trust to be able to discipline effectively. As you said, you might see a temporary compliance, but just changing the behavior without shaping and molding the heart and character, there won’t be any lasting benefits. Thanks so much for sharing! (I’m going to link this to one of my parenting articles.)
Hi
May I ask what discipline we should use please , I try not to raise my voice but when they don’t listen to you , how do you deal with that with out being intimidating x
Hi Jodie! I would suggest having a sit down family meeting. Tell them you aren’t going to raise your voice – that they need to learn to listen and obey without that. Ask them to help you choose appropriate consequences for when they don’t. You may be surprised at what they come up with. But then stay calm and simply ask “What is the consequence for not listening? And administer it. I’d also suggest doing character lessons on obedience to show why they need to listen & obey, and also lessons on attentiveness.
Hi Kathie,
I just want to say a huge thanks for this article. I have found it very impacting and appreciate your writing. If its ok I have added a link to your page on my site https://keepitrealmum.com/2020/04/01/when-parenting-is-hard/
God Bless
Hayley
Hi Hayley! I’m so glad the post was helpful to you. Thanks for sharing on your site!