This is Part 2 of Fertility – It’s in God’s Hands, Not Ours.
We made an appointment with a specialist, who was very encouraging and optimistic about my chances at pregnancy, our course of treatment, etc. Month #1, my body did not respond to the medication at all, so they doubled the dose for month #2, but once again, nothing. Month #3-4, they tried another medication which seemed to have slightly better results, but still nothing, so on month #5-6 they added another medication, with even better results, but still no pregnancy.
Throughout these months, my body was undergoing a lot of stress due to the medications, and the emotional difficulty, which I really don’t even know how to describe. Mother’s Day was very difficult for me – I felt like my “secret” was on display to the world, which was really not logical at all, but it’s how I felt. It’s not something I would have ever understood, had someone tried to tell me, until I went through it myself. It was a heart-wrenching, personal sort of pain and the emotional/mental/physical stress was constant. I took pregnancy tests several times over these months, because my cycle would sometimes show up one or two days late, and I was just so very hopeful, sometimes I think I imagined pregnancy symptoms (although in my defense, I have to mention that my body also mimicked some symptoms as well, due to the medications).
Well, fertility treatment gets very costly, and we ran out of money after several months of medication and specialist appointments, so due to that and the fact that I was beginning to feel as if I was losing my mind, we took a much needed break, for 2 or maybe 3 months. Nothing happened in those months, and after that, we were able to afford one more month of treatment before the money was really gone, and this time we knew it would be a minimum of 3 months, if not 6 months or longer before we would have enough money saved for father treatment.
At this point in time, this had all been going on for 2 years, a time frame which typically flies by in life, and while it was flying, every month also felt excruciatingly slow as we waited to see what might happen. Once again, I had to surrender my heart’s desire to God. He had been with me throughout all of this – I could not have done it without Him – and quite honestly, I had never questioned Him as to why this was happening. I had no problem surrendering to Him, because He was giving me the grace to trust Him, but with surrender, there is still pain, as you realize that in His infinite wisdom, God’s plans may in fact be very different from what you had planned for yourself. But as much as it hurt, I was okay with that, and told God many times over, that while I hoped He was going to allow me to get pregnant, I was willing to let Him do with us as He saw fit, as long as He gave us the grace to bear it. I had to learn that God is good, faithful and always right, and He did teach me that, and I will always believe it with all of my heart.
I’m talking a lot about how painful all of this was, because that’s the bare, ugly truth of it, and yet it is also true that I have never known God, and known His presence and grace so clearly as I did during this time. I had some very dark times, and I want to be honest about that. But even through those times, I knew if I could just hang on, daylight was coming, and God would sustain us.
One of the things that I prayed for regularly, was for God to be glorified through all of this – I said that I didn’t care if nobody else even saw Him working (although I also said it’d be great if they did), and I didn’t care if He never let me get pregnant – if He would let me see His hand in my life and see Him being glorified, I would be all right. I also began telling Him that if He NEVER allowed me to get pregnant, I would still love Him, and I would still praise Him. The ironic thing is, looking back now, I didn’t know it right away of course, but He did allow me to get pregnant in that time frame where I had really become very adamant in those specific prayers, and I just think that’s kind of interesting. 🙂
Throughout this journey, I also had someone write me a note, who had become aware of our struggle, and they told me how much of an encouragement I had been to them, as the joy of the Lord was evident in my life, in spite of the pain. This was a huge blessing to me, because it showed me that God WAS being glorified and He WAS working and using me to encourage others, even though I was sometimes merely speaking truth out loud – well, on my Facebook – in order to remind MYSELF of the truth!
To be continued in next post