This is Part 2 of Fertility – It’s in God’s Hands, Not Ours.
We made an appointment with a specialist, who was very encouraging and optimistic about my chances at pregnancy, our course of treatment, etc. Month #1, my body did not respond to the medication at all, so they doubled the dose for month #2, but once again, nothing. Month #3-4, they tried another medication which seemed to have slightly better results, but still nothing, so on month #5-6 they added another medication, with even better results, but still no pregnancy.
Throughout these months, my body was undergoing a lot of stress due to the medications, and the emotional difficulty, which I really don’t even know how to describe. Mother’s Day was very difficult for me – I felt like my “secret” was on display to the world, which was really not logical at all, but it’s how I felt. It’s not something I would have ever understood, had someone tried to tell me, until I went through it myself. It was a heart-wrenching, personal sort of pain and the emotional/mental/physical stress was constant. I took pregnancy tests several times over these months, because my cycle would sometimes show up one or two days late, and I was just so very hopeful, sometimes I think I imagined pregnancy symptoms (although in my defense, I have to mention that my body also mimicked some symptoms as well, due to the medications).
Well, fertility treatment gets very costly, and we ran out of money after several months of medication and specialist appointments, so due to that and the fact that I was beginning to feel as if I was losing my mind, we took a much needed break, for 2 or maybe 3 months. Nothing happened in those months, and after that, we were able to afford one more month of treatment before the money was really gone, and this time we knew it would be a minimum of 3 months, if not 6 months or longer before we would have enough money saved for father treatment.
At this point in time, this had all been going on for 2 years, a time frame which typically flies by in life, and while it was flying, every month also felt excruciatingly slow as we waited to see what might happen. Once again, I had to surrender my heart’s desire to God. He had been with me throughout all of this – I could not have done it without Him – and quite honestly, I had never questioned Him as to why this was happening. I had no problem surrendering to Him, because He was giving me the grace to trust Him, but with surrender, there is still pain, as you realize that in His infinite wisdom, God’s plans may in fact be very different from what you had planned for yourself. But as much as it hurt, I was okay with that, and told God many times over, that while I hoped He was going to allow me to get pregnant, I was willing to let Him do with us as He saw fit, as long as He gave us the grace to bear it. I had to learn that God is good, faithful and always right, and He did teach me that, and I will always believe it with all of my heart.
I’m talking a lot about how painful all of this was, because that’s the bare, ugly truth of it, and yet it is also true that I have never known God, and known His presence and grace so clearly as I did during this time. I had some very dark times, and I want to be honest about that. But even through those times, I knew if I could just hang on, daylight was coming, and God would sustain us.
One of the things that I prayed for regularly, was for God to be glorified through all of this – I said that I didn’t care if nobody else even saw Him working (although I also said it’d be great if they did), and I didn’t care if He never let me get pregnant – if He would let me see His hand in my life and see Him being glorified, I would be all right. I also began telling Him that if He NEVER allowed me to get pregnant, I would still love Him, and I would still praise Him. The ironic thing is, looking back now, I didn’t know it right away of course, but He did allow me to get pregnant in that time frame where I had really become very adamant in those specific prayers, and I just think that’s kind of interesting. 🙂
Throughout this journey, I also had someone write me a note, who had become aware of our struggle, and they told me how much of an encouragement I had been to them, as the joy of the Lord was evident in my life, in spite of the pain. This was a huge blessing to me, because it showed me that God WAS being glorified and He WAS working and using me to encourage others, even though I was sometimes merely speaking truth out loud – well, on my Facebook – in order to remind MYSELF of the truth!
To be continued in next post
I can’t identify completely with your pain as my story is different: I had two children and was unable to get pregnant with more. But I’ve had many friends who experienced it for their first child, and I know they were deeply discouraged. God really has given women a mother’s heart, and we long to use it. It’ obvious God was working in your life to have a friend write you such an encouraging note. And that’s a good reminder to encourage others going through infertility.
Thanks for sharing this part of your story.
Your story reminds me of that Christian movie “Facing the Giants”.
I too had to come to that place where I cried out to god, “I’ll still love you…”
Funny how God works. After I cried out my womb was opened and we now have 5 amazing boys. I know it doesn’t always work out that way for others, but I think God always meets the child who prays that prayer.
…I’ll love you no matter what Lord!”
Beautiful post!
We too have suffered through infertility – several IUIs and IVFs and still nothing. The thing is, we haven’t told anyone through all of it what we were doing or what was happening. As we have been married 10 years, I”m pretty sure most have figured out by now that something is up, though they don’t know what. My response is, “All in God’s time.” That is also my prayer.
Why didn’t we tell anyone? The stress and constant questions that it would have raised. It was already tough enough to deal with it between the two of us. We didn’t need others to add to it constantly. One of the toughest things is to see my sister, who studied to be a teacher, decide to only have 1 child and act as if more would be burdens. Here I am, wanting lots of them but not able to have any (at this point).
One thing that did come of all of this was fostering kids. I had prayed, “God, if you decide not to bless us with biological kids, I would really like to start fostering kids, but know this is a hard thing to do. If we are meant to do so, please, have my husband mention it. If he never does, then I’ll know it isn’t meant to happen.” A few months later we were in the waiting room of the doctor’s office, waiting to go in for an IUI, when my husband saw it mentioned in a magazine and pointed to it, “You should call about this.” I didn’t question him any further and called the next day. That has been over 5 years ago.
As we got further down the path, I told him that I still wanted to keep up the infertility treatments, though if we got pregnant while having a foster kid in our home that didn’t mean we could send the foster kid away. It was not a “THIS or THAT but NOT BOTH” sort of thing for me.
We are adopting two of our foster kids in just two weeks. It has been a long, tiring road and I’ve learned a lot about myself and God through the journey. Yeah, it isn’t like I had planned it, but obviously God had other plans.
We still haven’t shared with friends and family about our infertility. It is still too painful. I have a few friends who are having trouble getting pregnant, though only one shared it with me (she mentioned another friend having issues which is how I know about more than one). I still can’t bring myself to tell them about our journey, especially if I know they can’t keep it to themselves. It is a very, very personal thing.
Thank you for having the heart, courage and words to share your story.
I feel your pain. Though I’ve not even been able to try to get pregnant yet, I yearn to be a wife and mother, and with every passing year I know my chances grow more and more slim. But I know God can work miracles that defy math! If he has a spouse for me, he probably also has a way for me to be a mommy. The waiting SUCKS! But I’m learning, slowly, to turn it over to Him.
In fact, this week some friends and blog followers are investing time to pray and fast for one another – that we find contentment in God’s will – but also, asking in faith, for our requests – from infertility, to spouses to salvation of family and friends. (http://www.modernishhomemaker.com/2014/02/for-such-time-as-this-season-of-prayer.html)
Thank you for sharing this story, as I’m sure it was very difficult. I saw in Part 1 that Ruth is now expecting. What a blessing. Hoping for a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby!
Tricia
http://designandcanines.blogspot.com