The emotional pain infertility caused was a heart-wrenching, personal sort of pain. Throughout these months of infertility, my body was undergoing a lot of stress. The medication stress and the emotional pain of infertility, I really don’t even know how to describe.
Mother’s Day was very difficult for me. I felt like my “secret” was on display to the world. That was really not logical at all, but it’s how I felt. It’s not something I would have ever understood until I went through it myself.
The Emotional Pain of Infertility
The emotional, mental, and physical stress was constant. I took pregnancy tests several times over these months. My cycle would sometimes show up one or two days late, and I was just so very hopeful. Sometimes I think I imagined pregnancy symptoms (although in my defense, I have to mention that my body also mimicked some symptoms as well, due to the medications).
Well, fertility treatment gets very costly. We ran out of money after several months of medication and specialist appointments. Due to that and the fact that I was beginning to feel as if I was losing my mind, we took a much-needed break, for 2 or maybe 3 months.
Nothing happened in those months, and after that, we were able to afford one more month of treatment before the money was really gone. This time we knew it would be a minimum of 3 months, if not 6 months or longer before we would have enough money saved for father treatment.
At this point, this had all been going on for 2 years. The emotional pain was intense, to say the least.
Two years is a time frame that typically flies by in life. While it was flying, every month also felt excruciatingly slow as we waited to see what might happen. Once again, I had to surrender my heart’s desire to God. He had been with me throughout all of this – I could not have done it without Him.
Quite honestly, I had never questioned Him as to why I was experiencing infertility. I had no problem surrendering to Him because He was giving me the grace to trust Him.
But with surrender, there is still emotional pain.
It shows up as you realize that in His infinite wisdom, God’s plans may in fact be very different from what you had planned for yourself. But as much as it hurt emotionally, I was okay with that.
I told God many times over, that while I hoped He was going to allow me to get pregnant, I was willing to let Him do with us as He saw fit. We just needed Him to give us the grace to bear it. During this, I had to learn that God is good, faithful, and always right. He did teach me that, and I will always believe it with all of my heart.
I’m talking a lot about how emotionally painful all of this was because that’s the bare, ugly truth of it. Yet it is also true that I have never known God, and known His presence and grace so clearly as I did during this time. I had some very dark times, and I want to be honest about that. But even through those times, I knew if I could just hang on, daylight was coming, and God would sustain us.
One of the things that I prayed for regularly, was for God to be glorified through all of this emotional pain of infertility.
If nobody else even saw Him working I didn’t care (although I also said it’d be great if they did). I also didn’t care if He never let me get pregnant. If He would let me see His hand in my life and see Him being glorified, I would be alright.
I also began telling Him that if He never allowed me to get pregnant, I would still love Him, and I would still praise Him. The ironic thing is, looking back now, I didn’t know it right away of course, but He did allow me to get pregnant in that time frame where I had really become very adamant in those specific prayers, and I just think that’s kind of interesting. 🙂
Throughout this infertility journey, I also had someone write me a note, who had become aware of our struggle. They told me how much of an encouragement I had been to them.
They said the joy of the Lord was evident in my life, in spite of the emotional pain I was dealing with.
This was a huge blessing to me because it showed me that God was being glorified and He was working and using me to encourage others. This was even though I was sometimes merely speaking truth out loud – well, on my Facebook – in order to remind MYSELF of the truth!
Read the rest of my infertility story in these posts: